A Christmas Carrot
by Ade Rixon (a.rixon@elsevier.co.uk)
Written in December 1995

Humor

The new album
Microsoft buys The Sisters of Mercy
A Christmas Carrot
Truth about the new album

Comparison lists
Colonel Kurtz vs. Andrew Eldritch
Apocalypse Now vs. The Sisters of Mercy
Why Sisters Fans Are Almost Like Deadheads

Lyrics parodies
Piss the Carpet
Temple of Love Actions

Other
Andrew Eldritch action figures

Warner Bros Pictures
in collaboration with
The Reptile House(tm)
present

A Mike Newell film

A new adaptation of the Dickens classic:

A CHRISTMAS CARROT

Cert 15

starring

Andrew Eldritch
(& some other dead people)

You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll wave your hands in the air and walk backwards.

The immortal story of a Ebenezer Eldritch (prop. Merciful Relax Ltd), a wicked old scroat who, on Xmas Eve, receives a visition from his former partner...

    "Remember me, Ebenezer?"
    "Hussey!! But you're dead!"
    "NO! NO I'M NOT! I'M 'BETWEEN ALBUMS'!! DON'T YOU SAY THAT! EVERYONE LOVES THE MISSION!!"
    "OK OK, you're resting!"
    "Tonight Ebenezer, you will be visited by three goths..."
    "Oh fantastic. I hope the arms dealers don't close early on Xmas Eve."

The Goth of Xmas Past:

    "Who's this nineteen year old sad case in the makeup and the bad haircut, and why is he swirling in front of the mirror?"
    "That's YOU, bozo!"

The Goth of Xmas Present:

    "Poppa, you've been to Virgin!! Is the new Sisters album out then?!"
    "I'm afraid not, Tiny C."
    "<sob!>"
The Goth of Xmas Future:
    "We're in the megastore, but where are my albums?! I'm not in any of the racks! I should be HUGE and it's as if I don't exist!! Tell me where they are, Goth! Wait....no....not....THE REMAINDERS BIN!!! NNNAAAARRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Finally, he learns to accept stardom and enjoy his fame...

    "So here it is, Merry Xmas, everybody's gonna die...Yes, yes, they love me!!! I'm a rock god!"

Don't miss this seasonal treat for all the family!
[Soundtrack not yet available]