Andrew Eldritch action figures
Written in November 1997

'Businessman Andy', replete with laptop, mobile phone and bearing and uncomfortable resemblance to Ian Beale.

'SSV Andy', dressed as a trendy yob with an uzi and pockets full of stash. Innocent passers by and schoolchildren dolls not included, although SSV Andy does come with a mock-up chip shop corner to hang around at.

'Advanced Computing Andy', comes with 'Command & Conquer' T-Shirt, some state-of-the-art PC needing a typhoon to cool its motherboard, writes computer articles, and comes replete with BaxCorp cap and software to automatically delete incoming BaxCorp mail.

'Taylor Spiggs' - pre-Von-a-Tron Andy with milk-bottle-top specks, schoolboy shorts, tank-top and letter from Leeds university accepting his departure. Pull string at back to hear Taylor do abysmal choirboy rendition of 'Starman'.

'Bomb-the-fuck-out-of-some-third-world-country Andy' dresses as a US marine, coming with helicopter gunship armed to gills with bombs and missiles and napalm and Agent Orange/Mustard Gas canisters and stuff. Includes offer to buy 'War on Drugs' at a discount. Just move BTFOOSTWC Andy's helicopter around to start Wagner playing. Pull string on BTFOOSTWC Andy's back to hear him recite snippets of dialogue from 'Apocalypse Now'.

'Bestiality Andy' feels animals deep inside and comes (hmmm!) with cat and court order.

'Oxford Andy' comes with a drum set. Just wind him up and he plays a variety of punk rock drum lines using a minimum amount of drums and absolutely no symbols (this was what Andy was doing before the Sisters). Also says five fun phrases in fluent Mandarin Chinese (action figure will forget phrases after approximately four to ten years). Comes with stack of Iggy and the Stooges and Suicide records.

Call me old fashioned, but I'm not paying for a dozen different dolls, when one super deluxe version could be produced. Over the years the following ideas have been tried, and could all be combined into one:

1. Adjustable hair length, pull to correct length - to shorten - press button in back.
2. 'Magic' pens, to color on beard / change hair color. Just use warm water to wash off.
3. Sets of clothes and accessories sold separately (if required) - no need to buy a new doll for a different look.
4. Gripping hand and adjustable bendy limbs.